LoveLifeLive*Love

Goodbye!

2010-01-29T00:00:00.002+08:00

And i did it!

I created a new blog over at wordpress where i am given the choice to put my entry as private whenever i want!

if you are still interested to read me,

here's the link!

http://www.iamfurstinna.wordpress.com

much love,

Adada

Wednesday's Child

2010-01-28T17:34:00.002+08:00

Goodness i think this is my 2nd or 3rd post for the year 2010.

I got so many things to write but whenever i want to get myself to it,
i stopped.

maybe because i know some people are using this blog as a tool to have a gossip session about me,
pardon me for being direct but is my life really worth much to talk about?

You know, i strongly believe in freedom of speech,
i don't really care if people are talking about me.
but i rem that the topic of their convo does not only involve me but about the people that i love, that i care for.

so maybe that's why i lost my mojo to write many words these days.

or maybe.. i should start something new, something with abit of privacy.

love,

Adada.

YYY

2010-01-14T00:25:00.002+08:00

Amazing talent, excellent showmanship and madly sexy stage persona.

Karen O, you are a bona fide baby!

Had a madness happy joytimes w my babyboy + e hot girls, Za & Phique!

and it was not a difficult decision at all to do this to my hair.

Im Karen-Ospired. definitely.

Next up, The Killers =)

love,

Adada.

My 2010 starts with you.

2010-01-06T16:15:00.003+08:00

I smiled thinking about last night convos, plans and late night walk by the beach. You gave me a reason to live, e strength to love and hopes to carry on dreaming. I love you and even that is an understatement. :)

oh has it been 2010 already?!!

Note: im seriously considering writing down the chronicles of our plans and preparations prior to the big party! should i? or doing what im doing now, keeping it low and mysterious?

love,

Adada.

New Year Eve

2009-12-31T10:40:00.002+08:00

Alot of invites to party and such.

my heart is split into halves.
a part of me wants to go into a denial state of mind and just enjoy for one night, i mean what harm or trouble cld i land myself into.

yet a part of me just want to stay at home and breathe in the air,
to hear my heart beat,
to reminiscing on the times that i smell my dad ciggies, to hear his voice, to hear his laughter, to see his face and simply feeling his very presence.

But at the same time, i want to move on despite knowing i cld never be fully recover from this pain.

I want to try.

I don't know really.

love,

Adada.

Lost & Replacement

2009-12-28T00:28:00.002+08:00

u know for once i am given the chance to take a look things from e bird's eye view and so far, e things ive seen.. i dont really quite like it.

im still happy in my little hut.

i have no absolute interest to keep up with certain things coz i really cldnt b bothered.

im happy with my lot, i really do :)

love,

Adada.

March 2010

2009-12-21T01:16:00.002+08:00

In exactly 3 months from now..

we are heading back to KRABI!

got our tix jz now at a steal! yeayyness!

next week gonna be good good week! :)

P/S: I LOVE YOU BOYFRIEND.

love,

Adada

Turning sideways

2009-12-12T03:29:00.002+08:00

seriously, you are getting close to being what i would sadly call, a desperado.

girl,
please go and sort yourself up. you are a wrecked, total wrecked.

its sad to know you are that dyfunctional.
i will buy you a mirror if i cld for xmas so that you can start judging yourself before you do it on others.

you are getting on my nerve, BIG TIME.

no love,

Adada.

Monopoly money

2009-12-10T18:20:00.001+08:00

Ok bonus is in! hooray yeay yeay! :)

so i got enough reason to justify my Fendi purchase.
now shall i indulge in toy cameras and *ahem* that tiffany earring that im eyeing?

meeting my boy in 1 hr time. cant wait cant wait cant wait :)

happy thursday!

love,

Adada.

Can i return bk my gift?

2009-12-09T17:38:00.002+08:00

I just ordered a Fendi tote that cost me a bomb and now im feeling super guilty abt it.

let just say i can buy 3 Marc by Marc Jacob bags. -_-

love,

Adada.

Waves of Andaman Sea

2009-12-08T17:28:00.006+08:00

My first shots using toy camera.

so that how it feels like to kiss underwater? hurhur

im missing Krabi super badly.
must make it a point to go there like SOON!

and after seeing my works when i developed the pictures made me more tempted to purchase more toy cameras to get diff effects.

seriously, nothing beats putting a roll of film into the camera and SNAP!

oh i found a really nice shop hidden sumwhere near my workplace that sells the ohmyfreakinggoodnessnicest vintage artsy fartsy things!

in e end, i bought two tin toys, a lego lamp (yes a freaking lego blocks that lights!)

i alrdy got few plans on what to do with my room, i will take a pic when its all ready and done. just sumthing i thought of while browsing thru e store.

30 minutes before i knock off and meet Za for our theatre date.
my first invitation to a big production.
a nice change from yesteryears club invites. at least u need to be in the loop to get invites to theatre show hor? :)

plenty of love,

Adada

Beautiful Krabi

2009-12-04T23:45:00.002+08:00

I hope you had an awesome birthday love. :)

love,

Adada

Packo Macko Wacko

2009-11-22T12:53:00.002+08:00

It was supposed to be just rummaging thru the wardrobe to find "beach-worthy" clothes to dump inside my backpack,

but i ended up packing it up as well! heeee.

so yeap pretty much packed up 3 days ahead.

i mean goodness, is it really 3 days away?

i really need to de-stress, its been an awful awful year for me, and work has been a dear bitch.

infact, i dun even know if im still going to be working there due to the re-org exercise.

definitely a wrong time to enter.

but all is well, i have always believe that opportunities are everywhere,
you just need a little hope, a little faith and plenty of determination to get through every obstacle you face.

of course it would be sad to leave, i LOVE my job!
its what ive been wanting for so long!

God just smsed me and said this "Sometimes, what you want may not always be what you get."

how true.

waiting for the boyfriend to fetch me and mom. heading to the cemetery.
Hello Daddy dearest! i cant wait to see youuu. :)

much love,

Adada.

Worried shoemaker goes hiding in the cabin

2009-11-18T23:52:00.002+08:00

Just for your info,
"bu lup i?" is the ONLY thing that came from me.

we had a little disagreement last night and i was just thinking,
if we skip that part and didn't get ourselves entangled with "it",
we would definitely have the most dopest, kickass relationship ever.

then again, whats a relationship wo those stinky issues needed to send for dry cleaning?

love,

Adada.

Judging ceremony

2009-11-14T19:56:00.002+08:00

I had one of e most weirdest yet amusing friday night.

Went out for coffee after work yday with Iman's current gf sans Iman. haha.

the world is getting too small.
and its weird to be talking about people that we knew, involved with and heard about.

like Nat said "kita tgh gossip mesra"

and its weird to be talking about the past, coz i have not done that in ages.
but it felt good.

im not proud of who i was but i am happy with who i am and what im going to be in years to come.

rainy saturday. waiting for my fav person in the whole wide world to appear in front of my house.

2012 up next at 1030pm!

happy weekend loves!

love,

Adada

Date to Wed

2009-11-03T14:57:00.004+08:00

One and a half or so month left to the new year.

and i think once we leap into 2010,
everything will be crazy from then on.

i have a small idea on how my wedding is going to be like.
short sweet simple & fuss free got to be align with the theme.
(and that means NO pelamin and the whole sanding mambo jambo. sorry but me and boyf are not puppets. oh maybe i can get mannequins to be at the hot seats while we walk around and pose for goofy pictures! lols)

ok back to my story,

i don't have any significant dates to choose that falls on any weekend for the whole 2010. oh bummers.

ok except 10 10 10 but i dont want to be sharing my wedding day with the rest of the people in Singapore.

hahah im selfish like that!

so i think come new year,
im going to write down various dates,put it inside a black velvet bag and we are going to pick "tikam-tikam" ala playing bingo and that shall be our wedding date.

kewl or what?

p/s: i will feet-slap(Zohan style) ppl who think that im taking wedding and whole this culture vulture shitzit lightly. like hello? aku yg nak kahwin ke korang?
adat doesn't equal to agama ok?

update soonest!

love,

Adada

Marrying you

2009-10-27T23:12:00.002+08:00

Late night groceries shopping,
we bought so many many food, toiletries and more food. hehe.
two days of lazing watchin sci-fi and discovery travel & living
wrestled like two young boys and laughed until tears came out and coughing non stop.

you know what is special about us?
the fact that we do things together, like how bestfriends do.
we can just lie down wo saying a word or say all those crappy corny stuffs and laugh at each other for being goofy.

i cant wait to get married to you.

then again, we are almost married. well, almost. =)

just look at my bathroom and wardrobe, its filled with your clothes, your boxers and even our his & hers toothbrushes. hehehe.

heading to parents-in-law house tomm after work. cant wait to see them!

love,

Adada

Tanda Tanda Cinta

2009-10-22T23:06:00.002+08:00

We went to watch the korean movie, Deadly Tsunami when as much as i felt something during the show, i cldn't bring myself to cry.

I noticed that ive been watchin alot of movies which involved deaths and while last time i used to feel sad and cry abt it, now only fear seems to engulf my senses.

Im scared to go through it again yet i don't want to face it. im not sure how to explain but thats how exactly what i felt.

So after the movie we were talking and boyf told me how the movie reminded him of "Deep Impact" which ironically was my late father's fav movie.

He would often watch the dvd over and over again during the weekend or whenenver he felt like testing out his speakers. he was deeply passionate about his sound sytem so thats how he unwinds. used to

When boyf casually told me that we should watch Deep Impact e next time round he pops by, i simply trembled and told him "no i don't think i can go through it"

and then i cried, i kept on crying that he literally got to pull me up and walked me to the car.

He simply hold me without saying a word and told me to let it all out.

which i did.

i have not cried that much in a long time. i miss my dad but i don't exactly share it with anyone.

i guess it got worse when i only share few words with mom nowadays.

its like as if we have nothing else to talk about.
i tried to talk to her but i cant and i couldnt.

i have not been talking to people except my boyfriend about how i feel about my father's death.

im not quite how to deal with it, the pain, the loss, the shock.

and i wish i have friends,
friends that i have on speed dial who would come to my house just to spend time w me
those kinda friends.

but i realized that i dont have them anymore.

maybe i am just being emotional,

it just hit me today when i viewed a friend's wedding album,
it was just 2 wks ago that i met her and she said she wld let me know abt her small wedding reception.

i was looking forward to it only to find out that its over and done with.
im not usually the one who will get bitter that i was not invited.

neither do i feel jealous i mean think abt it, what rights do i have to demand an invitation? the simple reason why i was not invited because i was just a friend, any other friend. im not the important friend who should be invited. make sense? yea i think so.

and maybe all this is just an excuse for me to acknowledge something that i left ignored for many yrs.

and whats w the loss of my father,
i need support from ppl around me

yet it seems the only support i receive is from my boyfriend.

so forgive me if you think that i talk about him all the time.

the truth is, the sad truth is,

he is the only one that i talk to every single day.
i dont talk to anyone else besides him.

yes i do go out and meet some friends
but they are well just friends.

they are not my best buddies, something like i used to have with the girls from aljunied, e sworn sisters we used to call ourselves, or with Hasmida or with Sabbie (both long gone with the wind and add in typhoon) or the Sheepies, or Nad.

i don't have those type of friends anymore.

and if you ask me to start anew with someone else, it would be difficult for me.

because this person never get to watch me grow up,
or see how silly i can get when im high,
or how emo i can be when im sad,
or how funny i am as a person.

its just not the same.

and its not about salvaging these friendships.

it is just not the same anymore.

and that is just sad. very sad. too sad.

i feel like im intruding in their lives, i cant barge in as and when i like anymore because they are not doing that to my life.

and it does get quite upsetting thinking who will turn up for my wedding
not that i have many people to invite.

then again, i might not have anyone at all.

is it my fault? am i the one that didnt keep up with the friendships?
or its just me, destined to be alone with no friends?

im sorry for ranting but this is my way of ranting out my emotions.
i cant bottle it up.
i can share w the boyfriend but what can he do?

so thank you boyfriend for being the only friend i can count on.
i love you with all my heart and wish you will never try to break it.

because without you, i am nothing. well, almost.

and even if there is no one to celebrate my big day with you,
i still have a small amount of contentment inside of me.

because you made up of all the friends that i had lost.
you will be there with me and thats all i need.

you & me and yes the tok kadi.

soon baby, soon.

love,

Adada.

Take a step back

2009-10-18T03:47:00.003+08:00

Its almost 4am and i couldn't get myself to sleep.

i was supposed to be at my grandma's plc for sleepover but i fought w mom which left me feeling so upset tt i just took my stuffs and left.

And now here i am at my own living room feelin lonely and lost.

It seems that she never really come to terms with who i am as a person.

which is quite sad especially that we supposedly have only each other now.

but then as im typing this up, i realized something.

we DO NOT only have each other.
my mom still have her parents plus her siblings.

while I, lost one parent, DO NOT have any siblings for any emotional support.

i don't have e privilege of seeking refuge in any of my family members' house just because i think my mom was acting abit crappy.

but im glad that i still have an awesome partner who didn't judge me when he witnessed the argument, he didn't take sides, he just followed me when i left my grandma's house, kissed, snuggled and made me laugh and told me to take the chill pill.

and yes i still have a mother whom i wished would learn to accept me for who i am.

because wearing shorts doesn't make you a bad person.

seriously.

love,

Adada

(803) days of Bubu

2009-10-12T17:25:00.002+08:00

"She may not be my dream girl but she's real. yea, she's real."

then he poked my flabby arms, looked at me and said "you're real."

(500) days of Summer was a very beautiful movie, very artsy with plenty of poignant scenes.

It's those kind of everyday scenes which must have happen to you, Jane, Mary, Ayu or Meiling at least once.

To sum it all up, i had a very nice memorable weekend. :)

We got the bodykit done on to our car, we spent my youngest Aunt's birthday at Granny's place on saturday,

Sunday we went to the cemetery to visit my Dad's grave, and went on to hunt for his late great granddad grave (mad happy when we found it!) and we had a yummy dinner with his parents later that evening.

It was a family affair so to say and im glad we fit in nicely and prettily.

I don't know how to describe it but my heart took a nice carousel ride when i was at the cemetery with him and mom.

It was a heartwarming sight to see how he cleaned up the grave with mom, put the flowers and looked as if he was talking to my Dad in his heart.

You don't see such things everyday in any random man.

and with that thought and picture inside my head,

i woke up this morning knowing "im always so sure of you."

major changes in months to come.
i just know we will go thru each and every of it with so much passion and love.

as silly as it sounds, love does conquers it all

Have a happy week.

love,

Adada.

Green with envy

2009-10-08T17:33:00.002+08:00

I came to realize that it is so easy to be green with envy over someone's beauty, achievements, lucks, fortune and so so much more.

So how do we, try to be contented with what we have?

I think that it is really easier said than done.

today you may be contented with what you have, e next day when you stumble on to something that jolt you back to reality.

I supposed that is when i feel the true test of contentment comes about.

It is hard to resist this little green monster.

So far i am doing ok but there were times when i will ponder on it and wish i would have experience the same.

just a random thought on this cold thursday.

and i wonder, would anyone ever be envious of me? :)

regards,

Adada

F1 Rock.

2009-10-02T12:03:00.002+08:00

I got so sick after 2 days of mayhem watching No Doubt, Black Eyed Peas & Beyonce back to back over e weekend.

and of course many things happened along the way.

im still nursing a bad sore throat and on-off fever but i must must get better.

because tomorrow, is e BIG day.

and soon enough, it will be mine.

goodness.

on happier note, we are going somewhere to celebrate his bday in Nov.

KEEEERRRRRAAAAABBBBIIIEEEE =)

love,

Adada

Run, walk away and come back.

2009-09-23T10:49:00.002+08:00

To love each other even when we hate each other.
No running ..ever. Nobody walks out no matter what happens.

how aptly true.

we ended the argument with me crying in pain due to stomach cramp,
you came back to send me home and cooked for me omelette (a rare occasion) while laughing when you watched me eating with my eyes half opened because one, i am sleepy, second, i am hungry and third, i am still in pain.

Then you tucked me to bed,
kept putting my head back to your chest everytime i wanted to say something and told me to hush while you gently pat my back and lull me to dreamland.

then i woke up in e morning and told myself,

"this is definitely more than just love."

love,

Adada

hit and missed

2009-09-22T00:38:00.002+08:00

with each passing day,
i am more convinced that this is a bad idea afterall.

Im sorry, but you are not worth it. :)

regards,

Adada

What is raya to you?

2009-09-20T15:29:00.003+08:00

What is the meaning of raya to all of you?

if you ask me,

Raya is just an excuse for you to apologize, show off your social status, gossip, be happy and merry, be fake and be whoever you want to be.

it could a positive or negative thing depending on what do you want to achieve on that day.

dont understand? dun have too.

Happy Raya everyone.

cant wait for my annual raya tradition with boyf - watch movie :)

love,

Adada

One liner

2009-09-06T01:13:00.002+08:00

I love you because you taught me how to be,remain and understand the meaning of being there for each other.

Our 2nd car is here and i think our lives will just keep getting better.

love,

Adada.

5 seater.

2009-09-03T18:10:00.002+08:00

Vincent came to my office just now to hand over the LTA certificate and all other docs.

The car is finally ours! =)

Happy happy happy.

I have already decided on the things i want to add to e car.

decal and sport bucket seat for me! hurhur.

Collection this saturday! and finally get to see my dearest bubu.

It's been eons since i last saw you

on night duty today.
cant wait to eat that nice salad + hot fluffy bread for iftar.

love,

Adada.

Signature for Two please?

2009-09-03T01:34:00.002+08:00

There are so many things to plan for a wedding even after i reduced truckloads from e list.

and e best part is,

we dont really have e slightest clue on how is it going to be like.

stress!

love,

Adada

Blow the bubble and turn it into a balloon.

2009-08-28T23:57:00.002+08:00

I've been tweeting quite frequently of late,
i must admit, it is quite addictive to update little things that you feel, observe and anything else that pops inside your head almost immediately. =)

I had a great time last night with my dearest Juzi.

Thank you for bringing me to your secret place as part of my birthday gift.

I have not been this happy in what feels like a freaking long time :)

Off to bed now.

Going shopping w Mother-in-law and prolly pop by Juzi's.

Good night world.

love,

Adada.

Being 24th on the 23rd.

2009-08-23T12:15:00.002+08:00

Nothing much to say,
One emotion to express: "bittersweet"

Thank you to those who remembered and let me cut my birthday cake(s). :)

This year will be a first, the starting of a celebration that no longer feels complete.

I am happy.
I am thankful to be alive, to still be able to open my eyes to this world, to hear the voices of e people i love, to hold them, to touch them, to feel them and to see them.

But what i want, what i need right now is no longer here.

Forgive me God for not being able to accept and comprehend fully the things that you made me experienced.

I am still trying to find my ways, the answers to my questions, the soothing solutions to my aching heart.

I am still finding it so please be patient with me.

So everyone here asleep, i guess my last birthday as a bachelorette is with myself and maybe my dearest boy in awhile.

Can't wait to go to my dear Abah's grave tomorrow and spend moments w him, that is definitely the bestest thing i can do on my birthday from now on.

Happy 24th Birthday to me.

Love,

Adada.

wilted heart.

2009-08-21T01:23:00.000+08:00

As e days turned into weeks then months,
i thought i will be ok,
i will learn to deal with the pain.
but it gets harder and harder each day.

my heart nvr stop missing you and i wish..i wish you knew Dad. i wish you are here. i really do :(

Love,

Adada

Step one: Wake up 30 mins early every morning

2009-08-16T12:07:00.003+08:00

The gay consultant showed me his face of horror (or was it terror?)when i innocently told him that i do not own any foundation, sunblock or follow any skincare regime.

He thinks that i am blessed not to damage my skin despite my lack of good regime practice. haha.

so these babies better be a good investment and show me results in a year's time ok.

p/s: Thank you Bu for the whole set of makeup which you got me months ago. your "nyonya" girlfriend will look like a hot getai singer soon enough! :P

love,

Adada.

fringe

2009-08-10T23:56:00.002+08:00

it has been bittersweet symphony weekend for me.

i had a big fight w my partner,
i watched a very good theatre show at esplanade,
i had a nice late supper and chit chat w my old bestest friend,
i learnt new things at work,
i spent quality time w my mom,
i also argued w my fam and made it clear why am i feeling bitter with certain people.

in short, i had a very emotional week.

but it only helped me to feel stronger and better emotionally.

i think ive been through so much that i seriously need to tell people that it is not ok to make me listen to their command and do things against my free will.

i am not too sure about how things will progress between me and Suhaimi because we are seriously into something so serious, there are simply no room for mistakes and silly unneccessary arguments.

i just hope things will be ok but lets hope nothing will jinx "it".

well tomorrow is another work day but i was a happy bunny to end my long weekend with great pizza, good movie and awesome company at home.

thanks girls for coming over, for hearing me out, offer me good advice and just being there.

i swear i will fly you guys over there if my plan work out! :P

loveeee

Adada.

Confusion in Motion

2009-08-07T18:47:00.000+08:00

You know there are many things that i can give up.

but there are certain things that i know i can't afford to provide discount for.

i do not wish to short change myself,
neither do i wish to pretend that i will b ok with the arrangment when i know deep down inside that i won't and will never be.

What does sacrifice means to you and everyone else?

why do i have to accomodate to other people and not myself?

Maybe what i think, what i want doesn't boil down well on people around me

but this is something that i must do because afterall, this is for life.

i would want this for life.

but now when i think about it again,
when the words that i saw on the msgs,
the words that i heard,

it made me realize that it is never too late to say no.

that was hurtful no matter how you tell me that it was not intended to come out that way.

you made me cry for the million times.

but this time around,

you made me cry because you highlighted to me on
how imperfect,
how incomplete,
and how insignificant i am as a young woman.

i need to search even deeper to find a space to seek solace and tell you
"it is ok, i will forgive you"

because, i am not so sure if i am that forgiving.

love,

Adada.

Year TWO

2009-08-01T20:10:00.002+08:00

Suprise suprise!

we reached year two.

year two means 365 days x two = 730 days (plus and minus the holidays, the arguments, e hiccups and whatever that might break us at that point of time)

but we survived and all i can say no is, HA HA HA. lols.

ok so we ended up counting down inside the car last night,
what an irony that e moment i said 5 4 3 2 1! we were already under my void deck.

no fancy celebration either,
we tapau-ed Mcdonalds back, we watched tv, we ate and we were talking abt big big things.

Looking back,
in a lot of ways i was proud of all the obstacles we had overcome the past yrs that we have been together:

the arguments, insecurities, frustration of waiting for him for gazillion hours, temporary breakups, being separated due to our work schedules, working our ass off to pay for our convertible car, my dad's death, the whole lot - because each one had seems to imbue our relationship with much more worth.

Some of the things we faced might hv stopped other people's relationships in their tracks but NOT us.

In fact rather than being e threat, they were the reasons that we had lasted this long, they helped to define us.
they helped to focus on our relationship.

and most important of all, they gave us direction. =)

i will cry and feel frustrated now and then (i found out that that is seriously inevitable)

but i know one thing very clearly.

that he loves me and despite all e craziest shitty things we have to go through, we will always still love each other dearly.

what's the plan for us?
we are getting married. yes we are.

he proposed countless of times, i said yes most of the time. haha.

When? Where? How?
errr we have yet to figure that one out yet.

and tonight, we are going to end the night by doing our only fav couple activity - watch movie!

So happy 2nd year Anniversary my dearest lifetime partner (i hope!) Suhaimi Sulaiman.

i couldn't believe that we have made this far but we did love. we did.

and if we didn't last Year three,
always believe when i tell you i love you.
coz i do and you know that is the absolute truth.

=)

love,

Adada.

Hes gone too.

2009-07-29T13:20:00.000+08:00

Aug is officially a jinx month for me.

i am about to lose the one that i love so much apart from my Father.

or maybe i have lost him already.

i think i did.

regards,

Adada.

part like waves

2009-07-24T20:58:00.001+08:00

i did something very emotional today.

i think that is the best way to always stay close to my beloved father.

am at Starbux waiting for my boyfriend,
we have been thru so much these past few weeks,
i think our level of trust and commitment went skyrocket that i find it scary.

oh he is here.

talk later.

love,

Adada

Gone.

2009-07-19T13:13:00.002+08:00

Had a very very emotional night yday w mom.

we cried for hours and hours. we held each other and felt so tired because for these past months, we have been tested to our limits, maybe much more.

we find it harder to accept that abah is really gone.

if it is true that his soul still remains in e house for 40 days,
then we only have few more days left, to show him, to tell him how we truly feel.

i cant write it in words,
i cant express it with emotions,
i do not know how because i don't want my abah to go
yet i know there is no way, no power tt i can use to speak to God, to defy His decision.

i am really scared of what is to come tomorrow.
i am so scared to lose another loved one. =(

i love you mom,
i promise you tt i will protect you at any cost.
i will nvr let dad down ok.
i will take on this responsibility like a man.
have faith in me. have faith

love,

Adada

ward on level 7

2009-07-18T19:13:00.002+08:00

It's this sickening dejavu feeling when i walked to TTSH just now.

this morning i went to my dad's grave, i just looked at it and wonder if this is true, a reality that i wish i am not in.

i have not cry much but i think it is painful to be crying inside instead.

i miss you dad.
i am still tryin to come to terms with your death.

it is almost unbelievable that you are gone. unbelievable.

and Avi, i pray that you will be ok.
Dada, i love you like my own. i will try to be there for both of you as much as i cld.

love,

Adada.

30 days 30 months 30 years

2009-07-14T11:21:00.002+08:00

Dear Abah,

Today is the 30th day that you left me and mom.
how come i still feel as if all these are not happening to me?

how come i still miss you just the same?

love,

Adada.

Theatre Akter

2009-07-09T16:16:00.002+08:00

I realized that i have nothing much to write nowadays.

so remind me again why did i signed up for twitter just now.
i really really felt that i did it on e spur of moment without thinking.

it is almost e same like seeing a big 70% discount poster plasted on Prada, Fendi & Marc Jacob boutiques all at the same time. yea that sorta thing.

i have been ok, if that is what most of you are wondering.

i find myself drifting in and out of space.
i try not to feel so much emotion but it gets harder each day when i try to contain it inside me.

but so far, i have not been crying much.
i did cried in the morning though while i was on the phone with Suhaimi on my way to work.

not that he upsets me again,
i was telling him how i feel so vulnerable about losing the people that i love to circumstances.

i fear death so much. not of mine but of the people around me.

and we have our issues now to sort out.

i don't know how to explain so i will just leave it be.

but i know he is trying real hard to make sure we will be ok,
i know we might be ok soon enough but there is just something that i am still not sure of.

i guess somewhere, along the way, we have blended.

we have blended so much that we are becoming less than ourselves.
and all e mystery we used to hold for one another,
all e questions..

none of them matters as much as 2 years ago.

i find that a lil bit dissapointing.

i don't understand how relationships work. i don't know how they survive.
it seems like every day, something new arrives to threaten my peace of mind.

love,

Adada.

Decisions Machine

2009-07-05T11:35:00.002+08:00

I didn't write much nowadays because i find myself at a crossroad at e moment.

i have plenty of decisions to make, major ones if i may add.
and i find it extremely exhausting after making few big ones for e past months prior to my dad passing.

i still miss him, i miss him everyday.

and yes i very much wish that he is here coz he always will sort things out for me, for us.

he always make the big decisions. now he passed the batton to me. :(

it's not helping that my relationship is at a standstil as well,
i might have to bid farewell because as much as i love, and i love to be in a relationship,

i don't feel like being in one anymore.

its been many many days that i went to work, came back home and feel super happy that i am alone.

i don't feel like sharing my life with anyone only to know that,there are gd chances that person will either leave me. dead or alive.

it's better that i leave first, yes?

a month or so away to my birthday. few wks before our 2nd yr.

i better make a decision fast before i regret dragging it any further.

love,

Adada.

Rainy sky

2009-07-01T09:37:00.003+08:00

this morning i feel that the sky gave me a big hug and cry with me.

i am so overflooded with tears that i myself can't see.

love,

Adada.

You made me sick

2009-06-30T15:35:00.001+08:00

I am sorry for i speak too soon about you.

i was wrong.

no amount of excuses could make it up for this.

love,

Adada.

And it used to be just the 3 of us.

2009-06-28T16:27:00.004+08:00

It's funny that my house never have this many people around when my Dad is still here with us.

Grandparents, aunties are staying over,spending the weekend here at my place.
i feel blessed that i have them around.

i went to the cemetery with mom on sat morning, we missed a stop and walked very far to see dad's grave.

mom cried a bucket while i was reciting the Yaasin and the moment i finished,
all of a sudden with no apparent signal, it started to rain so heavily that both me and mom were soaking wet.

i looked up the sky and wondered if my dad is crying with mom and hugging us all at the same time?

it was really surreal coz i heard from the ppl there that it didn't rain for many many days.

and i also get to spend quality times with my dearest love,
it was nice to get out of the house and just do simple things together and talking about how we miss our abah =)

i love you ~~boyfriend~~/fiance/partner/Husband to be soon.
so so so bloody much.

trust me, i would have break down without you.

now let me go and shower and join my mom and e rest snuggling in this very cold weather.

love,

Adada.

Legacy Dedikasi

2009-06-24T12:15:00.002+08:00

I am very overwhelmed by the discovery,
it is like learning and getting to know my dearest daddy all over again.

and last night, i realized something,

i am finally an adult.

I'm not yet even 24.
yet here i am carrying a 25 years worth of responsibilities.

i never know raising a family is a very emotional process of love, hardwork and wanting the best for every member involved.

i have a huge mission to fulfill, it is not something that any girls can come up and say "hey, i can do this as well."

when now friends who left me messages via each communication mode told me that i am strong and they wish they have half of my strength,

i almost believed them into thinking that i can be almost a supreme being of my own kind on how well i am relating to all these things that i am experiencing.

but i quickly dismissed the thoughts and concluded that i draw strength from the many love i have been receiving from my dearest mom, grandparents, aunties and of course my sweetheart whom has been amazing and he resonates so much beauty and love which now made my entire family members grew to love him and finally understand the simple reason on why despite his shortcomings, i am so madly in love with this old boy

i am not even half way done with the arrangments and whats not but we will see how things goes from today onwards.

i have yet to get a replacement for my loss IC and i found out my passport is less than 6 months from expiring so technically i do not have any proper identification document with me now. sigh.

Please be proud of me Daddy.
i will continue your legacy, for i am, like you always tell me.. your smartass baby.

love,

Adada.

Darling it ain't easy.

2009-06-21T14:48:00.002+08:00

i am so scared to close my eyes,
to fall asleep coz it is an indication that i have lost you for another day.

today, i stayed in my room,
i heard the conversations outside that i am least interested.

do you people need reminder that this is the 7th day kenduri and not a celebration?

so tell me, am i the only grieving?

Dila please come here soon.

love,

Adada.

A Father's Day that i never get to celebrate, ever.

2009-06-21T01:02:00.001+08:00

You're beautiful so silently
It lies beneath a shade of blue
It struck me so violently
When I looked at you

But others pass, the never pause,
To feel that magic in your hand
To me you're like a wild rose
They never understand why

I cried for you
When the sky cried for you
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter
But this life was not for you
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper

I'll cross the sea for a different world,
With your treasure, a secret for me to hold

In many years they may forget
This love of ours or that we met,
They may not know
how much you meant to me.

I cried for you
And the sky cried for you,
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you,
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper

Without you now I see,
How fragile the world can be
And I know you've gone away
But in my heart you'll always stay.

I cried for you
And the sky cried for you,
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you,
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper
That beauty need only be a whisper

Happy Father's Day my dearest Abah.
i know you are watching over me and mom from up above.
i love you with all my heart and soul,
and if i could give up 10 years of my life for another 10 years with you,
i will be gladly to do so for you.

i will do it for you...

yet i know, no amount of crying and begging could bring you back.

i am proud to be your daughter,
i am so so proud of the fact that i am your ONLY one.

i miss you.

love,

your naughty Adawiyah.

Rest in Peace.

2009-06-17T00:01:00.003+08:00

i wanted to jot down my emotions,
how i am coping with the loss of my dearest father.

but all i cld type out is this few words.

i miss you abah, how do i go on living without you?

love,

Adada

live & breathe

2009-06-11T11:25:00.002+08:00

You know,

i haven't shed any tears yet ever since i asked my mom to send my dad to the hospital on monday morning around 2am.

and even when i saw him yday with e oxygen and tons of wires pokes thru his veins,

i still didn't shed a tear.

because i learnt that crying doesn't help.

it won't change any fact that he is fighting for his life,
it won't serve as an antidote to cure him.

so i chose not to cry.

but instead,
i try NOT to think too much of it though doc told me to be prepared for e worst. i want to continue living coz i know tt way he will continue breathing for me.

He might go sooner, he might go later.

either way, i know i will lose him one day.

this is not exactly an easy thing to pen down but it is not difficult either.

God knows what He is doing,
i believe He has his reasons that we humans can never fathom.

i try to be there and pray for my dad but ultimately, it is all predestined.

i love you forever daddy. you will b fine. please breathe for me and mom. :)

love,

Adada.

my blackberries affair.

2009-06-08T02:12:00.003+08:00

this is one of the very rare time that i am out with my dearest lup in e early morning.

he woke me up at 9am,
reached Starbux by 11am and we went off to HDB to settle something. (Thank God e queue was suprisingly short!)

anddddd, i got myself a blackberry! =)

Thanks hor my dearest bubu for suprising me with one! haha.
he bought one for himself e day before so it was an unexpected very happy nak mampus suprise that i got one too, especially he is not much of a same same couple couple things. haha

i find that a very funny way to describe it. haha.

im not much of a geek person but i think this is good shit!
i love the fact that i can "bb" him anytime anywhere and oh, i can find out where exactly he is with the google map!

i was playing with it just now and i can practically see him driving on e map! kewl or what?

no more calling you frantically and wondering if you reach work/home safely!!

and oh, that means i can't lie when he calls and ask about my exact location when im on the way to meet him, hahaha.

im so guilty of the "i am at x location" when the truth is, i am 5 stops away from it!

i mean come on, don't we all do that when we are super late?

hahaha this is brilliant.

so since he was extra nice,
i decided to be even nicer by getting him a kewl top from Uniqlo. =)

and Thai Express made us miss Samui even more. boohoohoo.

nothing can ever beat e seafood paad thai and beef green curry + e watermelon juice at Chaweng.

we then gave our baby car a good scrub before bubu sent me home.
i think Shell carwash give a really good service.
any better car wash service around the east? let me know if you know of any!

yes the car not only looks crampy, it is crampy!

remind me again why the hell we bought it?

one more day to run my never ending errands before my "leave" ends.

and its time for Lights, Camera, ACTION! =)

love,

Adada.

My stupid mouth

2009-06-05T23:07:00.002+08:00

i took a long walk home today from civic back to my place after i did my errands there.

with my espresso frap in hand, i recalled few hours earlier the silly argument i had with Suhaimi and when i think abt it, i find it ridiculous for us to be mean to each other over it.

so i called him and we talked abt it.

what touched my heart to pen this down was this sentence.

"i worked really hard for this relationship bu, i want to finish what we planned to start."

Suhaimi is a man of few romantic words,
he usually tells funny things or mocks/irritates the hell out of me when i pester him to say something sweet.

but when he says something nice, he says it with so much sincerity that i am being forced to remember it for many many days, weeks, months to come.

i love this man so much and i know sometimes i act very rudely, show him how egoistic i can be and just being plain difficult.

i am aware that when i provoke him, i have no valid reason for my actions.

and maybe i was getting cold feet about the marriage,
as much i wanted to get married, i am not sure if i will make a good wife,
this is affecting me psychologically so i am trying to be that person,
a person who is incapable of having her own family which thus led me to being so angsty when i don't have to,

i am not sure what the hell are my worries and issues.

but i do know for sure that i ended up screwing things up!

i guess it slips my mind often that this man is not in his 20s,
that he has been through so much,
nothing fazes him anymore.

i am glad that we talked abt it just now bubu,
i love you and you know that.
but today, i know you love me.

and maybe, just maybe..

you begin to love me MORE than i do.

ok let me start on a fresh page,
i can't wait to see you tomorrow and hold you in my arms,
you are so imperfectly amazing.

gosh, am i really worthy of you my sweet sweet love?

love,

Adada.

Kamu

2009-06-04T23:33:00.001+08:00

and now i am more sure that i have got to choose you.

forever and ever you.

love,

Adada.

HLF

2009-06-04T04:23:00.002+08:00

Boyfriend called and we were talking abt this July upcoming holiday escapade.

Him: Why you so HLF?
Me: huh? HLF?
Him: Happy Like Fark!
Me: hahahahahahahahahah
Him: there so HLF ah you talking abt holiday.

i have no idea where e hell he got that abbreviation from but i find it kumonly hillarious.

yes i am so HLF.

and we kind of decided our destination.

oh i love you bu! cant wait cant wait cant wait to book!

loveeeee,

Adada.

Blasting Thru the City

2009-06-04T00:40:00.002+08:00

Shopping always makes me feeling happy, only when i didn't look through the receipts again. haha.

watching Tim Gunn's Guide to style inspired me to chuck my old clothes (i got tons that are not exactly fashion-worthy)

helps that Dahlia is going to have flea market, i think i can earn some cash from my fashion mishaps!

love,

Adada.

Cleopatra in New York City

2009-06-03T01:42:00.002+08:00

"Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in".

love,

Adada.

Twenty Dua.

2009-06-01T23:31:00.002+08:00

Happy 22nd my dearest bubu.

you said, "you are already part of me bu".

i replied, "you too for me sweetheart". =)

love,

Adada.

Caravan Girl

2009-05-30T01:35:00.002+08:00

Dempsey with my lasalle mate who is going to get married next year made me realize that i am NOT ready for a marriage afterall.

i am a closet commit phobe, i just don't dare to admit it.

love,

Adada.

Toaster Tested Bread

2009-05-28T22:01:00.002+08:00

i would have bread over Korean buffet lunch anytime.

love,

Adada

The Dandy Cowboys

2009-05-26T18:05:00.003+08:00

Soko songs on repeated mode,
Sarah Chronicles season two up next before i embark on watching Terminator Salvation this coming sunday.

two days leave is up,
three more days to go before i say goodbye to the current job.
i hardly touch my laptop, let alone decorate my very very new desk.

someone asked me,
how e hell you managed to snag two good jobs within a month, i thought we are still in recession???

i answered the same way as i did last night when i talked to another friend by the roadside,

"always believe that you are meant to do something good in your life, no matter how long it will takes you. you will find your way."

i didn't take this quote from any book, it comes from the voices inside my head.

love,

Adada.

Fourty Four Degrees

2009-05-24T18:07:00.004+08:00

Ok let see...

i have been terribly very busy meeting up with so many girlfriends from the past.
it was such a nice change,

feeling suprised aside,

im seriously happy that i do have many friends afterall. hahaha.

it's nice to meet up once in a while and take a walk together to the past,
i think being away from ppl and meet them after elephant years strengthen e bond somehow.

i like this, no baggages, no drama, and everyone is happy =)

after i met up with Juzi on Monday,
i met my dearest Mira Wulandari on Wednesday, e lady tt i still kept in touch with after my Mosaic stint.

we met 12 hours before she's off to New York.

went to see her at Coffeeclub and im glad we met up again.
such a kind soul, she is really amazing i tell you.

we have quite a no of good things up our sleeves, just hope we can make it happen soon! loveeee.

then on thursday, i met up with my primary schmates!

it was unexpected seeing how long we have been apart but 17 yrs worth of friendship prevails i guess?

we just kept on laughing thinking abt our antics as kids.
i was the emo one,
Nad was e very garang prefect,
Suli was the school belle,
Qad was the ever so soft spoken vogue girl
Huda was e girl that left sch for Malaysia when she was 11.

ye lah aku sorang je tak pakai tudung! hahahahahaaaa

but despite the different routes we took in life,
we are friends, forever friends.
tho i questioned that many times,
they are the people that literally watched me grow up.

being in an islamic school means we don't deal with PSLE, streams, N levels and what have yous.
so we were in the same class since Primary 1 until we were sec 4? that's huge.

through our eyes, we watched how selenger we were and then turned into beauties, started having crushes on boys, of forbidden BGR, of having e desire to be someone that we are not, of having our hearts broken, of e silly arguments we had, e jealousy, and celebrated our own failures and victories.

i know i don't normally talk about it NOT because i was ashamed of who i was but i don't see the need to explain myself.

i have always know i am different,
i proved to every single one that i am different afterall and embracing it tightly.

but i am so proud of them because they are winners in their own rights as well!

Suli is working as an excutive in one of the non profit organization for the malay community,
Nad is working with MUIS,
Qaddy is with HDB and getting married end next yr,
while Huda Adib is about to graduate with an economics cert from one of e good Uni in Malaysia.

and me?
i just quit my job (again!!) but of course i have a very valid reason for that. =)

and in btw, i bumped into Yanti, Hubby with their new kid on e block (super cute and quiet, i pray he will turn into a nice fine young man) over at Uniqlo and then i met my ex colleague Dila for coffee.

it was so fun to meet everyone this week.
and of coz, they get to meet my sweetheart. hurhur.

i remember feeling upset that i dont get to parade and introduce him to my friends but it was a good feeling when it finally happened, 2 yrs later! =)

i got to leave this entry with the joke of e week.

Yanti: so when you guys getting married?
Him: Besok boleh since im working night shift. videoconference ngan Tok Kadi sudah.
Me: hahahahahahah.

sungguh kurang ajar.

love,

Adada.

Bold as love

2009-05-19T00:56:00.002+08:00

It was a big day for me alright.

Fast forward,
i met Juzi and her cute mommy and we spent the entire afternoon together. =)

we went Geylang (yes we did!) and many many other places.

and that fav girl of mine complained abt my hair (plus Bubu been doin e same as well for the entire two days i was with him)

so i chop off my locks.

no love lost, i think i am used to do crazy things to the poor hair but thank you Juzi sayang for making the decision so much easier! i love you!

and i suprised the sleepy boyfriend with the new hair, he loves it! come to think of it again, my hair was short when we first met. hahah

pardon e boyf w no clothes on, i literally dragged him out of e house to pose for a pic w me. haha. sayang kau kumon! (minus e two days you pissed me off ok? lols)

back to work and im so excited abt the news!

love,

Adada.

Slow dancing in a burning room.

2009-05-18T00:45:00.002+08:00

This is what i call the greatest love.

love,

Adada.

Treasure Hunt

2009-05-14T21:48:00.003+08:00

Working in the treasury department is no easy feat.

especially coming from me, an arts graduate to start with.
well, i did survived in the bank but this is a totally new thing to comprehend.

all these cash management and working with millions of dollars for e past 4 days is driving me a little nutsy.

e only perks are the fact they have a special Spinelli store one level down from my office and my very own lappy (which is super handy since im allowed to work from home!)

but then again, i might just switch the "corporate" life to being what i do best, diving into the arts.

pray hard for me.
i think i might just be able to achieve my "calling"

soon.

love,

Adada

Spicy Chix Basil Pizza

2009-05-12T00:18:00.002+08:00

Thank you for sacrificin ur sleep to spend time with me for few hours watchin movie that we both dying to watch. (Star Trek surpassed my expectations!!) plus the quick dinner that we gobbled in less than 30 minutes. hahaha.

all that because you want to end my first day of work with an extra cherry on top. =)

yes, the new workplace is awesome but super challenging.

then again, i have something up my sleeve tomorrow afternoon.

i might just change my course of destiny again.

lets not hope too much, all i know is im just happy that you are here with me.
nothing else really matters as long as we are together.

i love you yesterday, tomorrow, the day after, if possible, forever.

love,

Adada.

She cries your name

2009-05-10T22:25:00.003+08:00

two days without hearing you is like two thousand years apart.

i love you so much and sometimes i know it scares you too,
on how this love can make us feel so disable without it.

seriously, how do we live without each other bubu?

love,

Adada.

The Forgotten People

2009-05-09T20:58:00.002+08:00

when you love someone, you forget to dream. instead, you help them to realize their dream.

love,

Adada.

Motion Sickness

2009-05-07T00:56:00.002+08:00

i post this up for my dear Juzi.

i love my "new" leggings cum stockings or whichever looks more similiar to you.
DO NOT ask me where i get these stockings from! im serious!! lols.

if i were to get famous one day, Juzi may be able to make money out of the "stocking" story i tell you. haha.

more importantly, i love my new huge brown bag.
ive been hunting for a bag purrfect to fit my junks + my small cute mini laptop and this gorgeous vintage bag fits e bill and the price tag too.

it looks expensive but dirt cheap for its size.

i wanted to get a porter bag or that Marc Jacob that ive been lusting for months but family is my priority so goodbye to splurging for this period of time.

but all is not lost, i stashed my first designer Marc Jacob multi purpose clutch that Suhaimi bought me inside this bag and i feel good abt it :)

i have been listening alot of Joshua Radin, Regina Spektor and Ben Harper of late.
and i am talking about albums after albums of it.

i took half day today to finalise all the paperwork and whats not for the new job and will be starting work officially in the Treasury dept come Monday.

i just hope the things that i need to do won't be as chim as my job title.
i still like to summarize it as merely an office girl.

short sweet and simple right? =)

two more days left before i bid the bank goodbye.

it has been an awesome experience.
i never know that i can work with numbers.

see.. i always suprise myself.

love,

Adada.

Nobody Lost, Nobody Found.

2009-05-04T01:42:00.003+08:00

this is just what i need.
thank you Dila for being a good colleague and a good friend.

10 more days before i bid farewell to the office.

i dare not think of what is going to happen 10 days from now.
so i never really sit down and think abt it.

love,

Adada.

Espresso frappuccino

2009-05-03T15:43:00.002+08:00

Badly need an espresso frappuccino and cheesecake from Starbux
and end it with some nice bossa nova tunes to complete my sunday afternoon.

love,

Adada.

21 Grams.

2009-05-02T02:14:00.002+08:00

It came as a sweet suprise that we managed to spend two days together
and it was even more sweeter that it was our 21st monthsary.

Happy 21st bubu, we have come a long long way.

i hope by the time we hit 24th, things will be a-ok.

i love you.

love,

Adada.

Prefuse 73

2009-04-30T11:33:00.002+08:00

i am at home for a bit today to clear some stuffs,
i have been staying at my grandma's for e past few days because mom has been a wrecked and i know she needs all the love and support from her family.

me?
i am very tired but i am keeping a positive upfront,
i don't feel like crying but when i hit the sack, i just dont want to wake up in the morning, i dread it.

because i am tired of answering questions, of talking to the doctors, of explaining to people what is going on.

i have my reasons for not telling the entire world what happened to my dad.
e truth is, i am not quite sure myself,
or maybe i am still in denial, i have no idea.

so forgive me if you think i am being secretive.
all i need are your prayers and your wellwishes,
if you think that by not knowing what is going on with my dad doesn't make you feel good, then you have all the right not to pray for him.

this is just a request, it is not an obligation for anyone except for me, my mom and those who really truly care abt him.

i just feel helpless because i am the only one,
yes i am aware that i have family but they can only do so much.
and everything else, e important decisions falls back right to me.

in a span of one month,
i made such big decisions that i am not too sure if i can pull it off,
i made sacrifices.

sacrifices that might just cost me my life, my future, my happiness.

i am not complaining, i just wish i have other options.

but the sad part is, options and choices are what that i do not have at e moment.

i miss my boyfriend so much,
i just want to let him hold me,
i wish he don't have to go thru this with me,
for i know it is affecting him pretty badly too :(

im sorry bubu. im sorry for being me.

love,

Adada.

Good Vs Evil.

2009-04-28T14:09:00.002+08:00

i am blogging away at the hospital premises trying to forget what happened last night.

Yesterday was one of the most horrifyin day of my life.

i almost lost my father and seeing how my mom crumbled, i almost faint myself.

he used to be so active and seeing how he couldn't even recognize me yesterday was heartwrenching for any daughter to witness.

my dad has been changed to the high dependency ward as we speak and he looks slightly better than yesterday.

i am gathering all my strength to recite all the quranic verses i know to ease his pain, he will be ok.

alot of people tell me that and i never stop believe in that.

today was a miracle, i was on my way to the hospital when it rained so badly, i knew it is a sign from God that he will let my dad live for another day.

he can recognize me and my mom and it gave me hope.

please continue with your prayers, please recite Ayat Kursi for my father, Abdul Jabbar Bin Abdul Mutalib.

your prayers will help me and my family.

Amin.

love,

Adada.

sometimes (i wish)

2009-04-26T22:41:00.003+08:00

my dad is getting weaker by the day,
i cried a bit because i wish i cld take some of his pain away.

watching multiple episodes of Heroes at the hospital made me wish that i have powers.

power to heal,
to make this world a better place.

at least, make my loved ones' world a better place with no worries and problems.

but then i remember,
i am only human.

another week to face tomorrow.
can i wish that it will be slightly better than this week?

love,

Adada.

The Battle Begins.

2009-04-25T00:41:00.004+08:00

My mom's love and my dad's will power to fight amaze me.

but my dearest partner moved me to tears.

no other man has ever love me this much before.
your love for my parents made it known clearly of your love for me.

i love you so much and i know we will be ok, we will ride these tough times together.

i heart you.

and Daddy, im so so so proud of you.

you are a miracle and mom is just amazing.

that is why i didn't cry,
because i believe in you,
i believe that you will get better
and i never stop believe that everything will be better for us. =)

i better get some sleep, another long day at e hospital in a bit.

love,

Adada.

Yes, even stars break

2009-04-21T23:04:00.002+08:00

i used to believe that friends are forever 6 years ago.

but tonight,
i have the chance to believe in that fairytale once again.

when i got back home,
i cried abit in between smiling,
memories flooded back. i can hear the laughter,
i can recap the times i spent cooking at e kitchen, the birthday suprise.

i remember alot alot of things.

maybe we all might forget abt it one week from now.

but i will remember one simple thing.

i am loved by many people, they still care and that's special.

thank you for coming, it means e world to me. =)

love,

Adada.

Tangerine Dream

2009-04-19T18:16:00.002+08:00

I decided not to go to the hospital today.

instead, i spent the day at home to do housework and cleaned up my room.
i felt slightly rejuvenated and very much at peace with myself.

though looking at all my burberrys, guccis, fendis, chloes and some others that i don't remember buying made me feel ashamed of myself.

because the money i spent on those stuffs could easily be cash in my savings account which i know will be made to good use in times of need now. -sigh

the past week has been tough like i mentioned in my blog many times,
and the next coming weeks will get even tougher.

i cant quite say that i am adjusting to these new changes,
but i learnt to deal with it, i dont have much choices anyway.

it is quite scary when things just fall apart like that.

one day i was happy with my career, always thinking of updating my designer collection every other month,
happy with my boyfriend, cruising along in our two door car,
making plans to do my degree, wanting to achieve more in the coming years
in short, i was happy being young.

one day later,
my entire life just changed in a way that i was not prepared for, ever.

in just one day,
i was slapped hard by forces of nature that i am no longer that young.
i have a family to take care of,
i have responsibilities that i thought i can run away from,
i have bills to pay,
i have parents to protect.

and in one day too that i found out that i will be losing my job.

so one month from now,
i will be job-less,
i still have a sick father to take care of,
a worried innocent mom that i need to make sure is ok,
and i wonder, if you are in my shoes now,
how would you react?

resentment? helpless? depressed?

i think its weird that i get people crying for me, telling me that they pity me.

trust me when i say, despite all these crazy things that are happening to me at this moment,
i feel blessed.

blessed in so many ways that i didn't forsee when it first happened.

that i have quite a no of friends who care,
that all i need is to give them a call and i know they will be there for me with a big bear hug.

that my very small family is just amazing,
they love me unconditionally and that is more than enough reason for me to carry on.

and i have the most amazing man in my life,
i will never get enough of saying good things about my man,
because my dearest Suhaimi is an epitome of an imperfect man perfect in my eyes.
he got a very big heart and he gives me such a large space for me to know that no matter what the outcome is, i will always have his love to cushion my downfall =)

u know i always talk about how love can change everything you ever believed in.

it doesn't change my belief, it strengthen me.

the best part?
i feel much closer to God now.
i think of him more often and i know He made me the protector of my loved ones for a reason.

because you can't get close to him if you don't love.

love youself, love the people around you,
and learn to continue to love even if your life is going through circles and there's no doors for you to open.

when you are able to love that way,

i am sure you can digest my words well. =)

Have a good week and cherish your parents + partner while they are well and swell.

love,

Adada.

Wall

2009-04-18T23:48:00.002+08:00

When i see this picture,
it made me feel lucky that despite my struggles,
i still see glimper of hope. i do.

From now on, i am independent.
i will see life through my eyes and not through other people's.
i'm going to take charge,
protect the ones that i love.

for now, i am in charge. i am their protector.

love,

Adada.

Selfless love.

2009-04-16T22:30:00.004+08:00

All the way from Australia...

and i cried, knowing that i have these few friends that care so much abt me,
i feel your love and your genuine concern for me. =)

im so blessed that in times of adversities and uncertainties that are looming around me, i can still muster a little brave smile for myself and my family.

Thank you Bruce for the beautiful flowers...
i felt that i don't deserve it, especially when the title of this bouquet is "selfless love".

i don't think i am quite there yet so i am sharing this bouquet with my mom,
her love is so amazing, so strong that i truly think that is the only cure for my dad.

because her love moves the earth, and God heard her prayers. i know He did.

love,

Adada.

Chain reaction

2009-04-15T23:37:00.003+08:00

Mom finally know the truth,
she handled it pretty well,
or in my point of view, she hid her fears really well.

but i guess i can understand why she reacted that way,

thats how i dealt with it the first time i knew abt it.

days after days, my fear has turned to strength,
and i drew my strength from determination,
hopin that my determination will be seen by God as prayers,
praying for my parents' wellbeing, for their health and safety.

i have so many million of things to settle,
i dont even know if i have enough time to settle all of it.

now the most important thing on my mind,
is how my dad going to react when me and Suhaimi tell him the truth.

God give me that boost that i really badly need.

love,

Adada.

Redwoods.

2009-04-11T19:08:00.002+08:00

its been 10 days and counting since dad is hospitalised

i broke down all alone in my house crying my heart out to my boyfriend abt the pain that i am going through late last night.

i apologize for i am only a human,
i am a girl and i am not exactly sure about dealing with these major things.

but alot of people been telling me that i am handling everything well,
that they are proud of me

Dila, my colleague came yesterday to e hospital to keep me and mom company and gave me a hug, she said this must have been too much to handle.

and then she cried..
she told me that she is crying for me.

but i didn't cry with her, i told her and myself that i can't crumble all the time

but i did anyway last night,
and now i am really sick.

im having a high fever, i blackout at home and found myself lying in the middle of the living room unable to recall how, when and for how long i lie down there.

nowadays my mind is a total blank,
but life goes on, i am going on, not too strong but i have never stop to look back.

i keep going and going because i am e only daugther, my family only saviour.

i can do it, i must do it.

until then,
please continue with your prayers for my beloved father.

love,

Adada.

Solitaire.

2009-04-07T22:17:00.002+08:00

i am deeply touched by all the encouraging and supportive messages i received via sms, facebook and phone calls.

it is very suprising to know that there are many people who cares,
to e extend of even sending me a text message all e way from another part of the world.

i couldn't thank all of you enough for your prayers,
you have no idea how thankful i am,
for i know your prayers will be answered, and God will gives my dearest father strength in going through this very difficult time.

and i save one more special thank you to my dearest partner for just being so amazing, i can't describe how grateful i am for everything that you have done for me and my family.

thank you bubu..
for coming to visit and give me,mom and dad that much needed hug,
for making sure that i am ok,
for calling my mom and dad every day to reassure them that everything is fine,
for telling me that you are proud of me, that you will take care of me and my mom no matter what happen.

despite the gloomy situation i am in,
i am blessed to be surrounded by these very few people that touched my heart, my soul.

i have never once blame or complain to God for this drastic happenings that i am facing.
God gives me this new set of perspectives that i feel so much for than i ever did ever in my entire life.

i have always thought that i am smart,
but i realized that i got smarter after this episode.

i failed to do so many things years before,
i failed to see things with my heart.

i think i kissed my dad, i hugged my mom, i made them laugh, i stayed with them more during these 6 days than i ever did in recent years.

for all e times that i complained when my mom called asking me where am i and feel irritated when she msged me everyday asking if i want to eat dinner or not.

for all e times that i called my dad asking him to buy me food or whatever because i do not want to spend my money without thinking for a sec if he has enough money for his own meals.

for all e times that my dad sat down watching tv at 1am and went to his room to sleep 2 minutes after i reached him and i didn't even bother to say good night or anything because i didn't think its necessary.

tell me how am i supposed to even question God for this predicament when all He wants is to give me a wakeup call to NEVER ever take my sweet parents for granted?

and for the past nights,
i missed my dad terribly.
i am looking forward to go to e hospital to see him, to sit on his bed, to hug him, to just be there and knowing he is safe, he can still talk to me and he responds to my touches.

i am having trouble sleeping at night,
i woke up every single hour and feeling so worried because i dont want to miss any more time w him or mom.

you know,
going to hospital instilled so many humble moments that i think even by writing couldn't quite describe my entire experience.

Thank you Allah for this insights,
i never know you love me this much.
all i want now, is to love you that much back.

give me some time.
give me more time.

love,

Adada.

Pain of a daughter.

2009-04-05T20:15:00.002+08:00

Dear God,

you must have love me so much to put me through so many things that tested me to my utmost limits.

im deeply humble by your love,
but all e more i seek for your strength,
for me to give my own strength to the ones that i love dearly.

to my loved ones whom without them, they will never be me, Rabiatul Adawiyah.

as i cried in the arms of my dearest partner,
my world crushed and he felt my pain, his touch told me so.
but he cant even give me his strength, it is still not enough to curb my pain.

how do i stay strong?
how do i keep my face straight, positive and full of confidence?
to mask off my fears,
to hide like a mouse, behind the real facade.

how do i?
hw do i keep this secret?

in order to save a life,
i had to do this.

i have to suffer my pain in silence.

i know you will know sooner or later Dad
but please believe me when i say i hide it because i want you to get well,
i want you to stay strong.

i did all this to protect you and mom.

my mom is so simple minded, she is so innocent, so vulnerable.
she is not exposed to the harsh cruelty of life that surrounds us,
i just want her to be happy.

i need to keep her happy.

afterall, i have no one else but you, mom and Suhaimi.

i couldnt bear the slightest thought of...

if i could give away 20 years of my life in exchance of your safety, your health, your happiness.
i would do it without no hesitation.

because i love you, more than my life
more than anything else that i ever believed in.

it is going to be an extremely difficult times for me and my family.

whoever reads this,

please, i beg of you to pray for my dad's recovery even if you don't know me and you don't like me.
please.

syukran.

love,

Adada.

Fortune Cookie

2009-04-04T22:49:00.001+08:00

i will face whatever comes charging towards me like one tough cookie.

afterall,

i am one tough cookie to crack =)

i love you Daddy.

love,

Adada.

I love you Daddy.

2009-04-02T23:37:00.002+08:00

Get well soon my daddy dearest. -big hugs

fear engulfed me initially, i crumbled for awhile but i have to be strong for my mom so i snapped out of it and do what i have to do.

im ok, i cant deny that i am worried sick but e most important thing is to keep my mom sane, be there for my family, settle whatever that i need to and keep a very positive mind and outlook.

and it helps that my ever so amazing husband-to-be/boyfriend/partner/bestfriend who never fail to suprise me with his gestures suprised me yet again.

i thank you sweetheart for waking up despite having 2 hours of sleep just to drive me back home from e office upon hearing e news and stayed to give my mom a big hug and reassured my dad that everything is going to be ok.

i love you because you transformed to become a changed man just for me.
i can never ever imagine what would i ever ever do without you. -kisses

even if you were to break my heart some day,
i will always remember the things that you do/say that keeps my heart beating each day.

i cant wait for friday to be over so i can be there with mom at e hospital for e weekend.

love,

Adada.

010409

2009-04-01T00:59:00.002+08:00

oh my gosh! it has been 20 months already? -grins.

i love you more than i love being happy + add all the grains of sand in every single beaches in every nooks and corners of the world combined. haha

Happy 20th crazy months bubu.

love,

Adada.

silly goose.

2009-03-25T00:44:00.000+08:00

i deleted my previous entry.

how cld i be so silly?

love,

Adada.

Antarktida

2009-03-23T23:22:00.003+08:00

For almost 5 days,

i almost fall..

for more than just the soulful voice,
for that silly grin,
for the many funny conversations,
for that strong passion,
for those hours we spent in the dressing room,playing sudoku, camwhoring, whatever..
for that time you spent learning to play the song i asked you to sing,
for singing that song and told the 1000+ audience "this song is for her."
for asking my opinions on what you should wear on stage,
for treating me like a friend,
for the occasional glances you threw at me,
for giving me that "Jason Mraz" hat that you have been looking high and low for before you left.

and im glad.. you left soon.
because i might have just fall when i am not supposed to. =)

back to reality,
i am feeling rather ok, slightly blank.

i am not sure how people reading this might think of the entry but not that i care since i am not talking to alot of people these days anyways. but heck. haha

minus the many close "smitten" moments i had,

more importantly,
it just made me realize how much zest in life i still have in me,
my flaming fiery passion for the things i love,
i still have what it takes,
i can still open up to people if i choose to,
and i still have choices.

i have million of things to write about,
but i need to take a moment to remember all these things..tonight

love,

Adada.

go Indo!

2009-03-23T00:40:00.002+08:00

so many beautiful funny great stories to share.

i love my indonesian band,
my Andre + my sonic ppl + the manager + every other nice indo that i met over the weekend! heheh.

ok back to being a "groupie" for another day before they leave me back to Jakarta.

boohoohoo. =(

and oh! i love my boyfriend so much terribly banget too!
thank YOU my baby bubutel for picking me up at night, bought me Mcdonalds, watched soccer (ok i slept on his lap while he watched soccer. haha)

and kissed me, snuggled me good morning,went through the killer traffic on a Sunday just to send me back to the hotel.

and i have to make this announcement because i know you will NEVER drive to town on a weekend but you did it just for me =)

for that i will bury the wish to marry a rich hot indo dude JUST FOR YOU. haha.

visuals coming up soon!

loveeeeee,

Adada, cewek 1/4 jawa

hahahaha

before landslide

2009-03-17T20:56:00.004+08:00

i was pretty upset yday
but knowing me,

i bounced back this morning and told myself "theres always options"

true enuff, i got what i needed to know and let see how it goes! =)

you know everyone has different sorta magical charmed life,
i just realized few secs ago that while my life may not be oh so perfect,
with flaws and whats not,

e people that i envy about,
might not have anything to envy about at all =)

Thank you God for giving me these pair of eyes to see and finding out what flaws is really all about.

syukran.

love,

Adada.

My life would suck without you.

2009-03-15T18:22:00.003+08:00

one of the trillions reasons on why i am still head over heels back to the heels over head and again over the head to the heels in love with my dearest Suhaimi.

he is not afraid to let his inner child in him burst out and roam freely. hahaha.

i dont think the above visuals will sit well on the boy but knowing him, he couldnt care less so im pretty safe. -evil grins

he named my teddy bear "Marley" and was inseparable with it, Marley was with him every single secs tt my effort in "kidnapping" Marley was nearly zilch! hrrmp!

fast forward, now my bubu is back home after spending 24 hours with me,

i am left with my marley(s) to keep me company coz mom bought me another one so i dont have to fight over Marley with my boyf! hahahahaha =)

"Anyway, I found out I’m nothing without you
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Being with you is so dysfunctional"

and i think we do look like Marley. lols.

love,

Adada.

Muzika journey in progress.

2009-03-12T16:03:00.002+08:00

So sex-cited!
will be busy over two weekends, not that im complaining!

i hope visuals are ok since we are not allowed to blog abt our work under strict instruction. =/

two different artists, but judging from the hype,
its going to be madness of running around~

thats why i love march so much!

p/s: thank you bubulup for sending me to work this morning! now i know you really love me many many many. haha! lain kali hantar lagi ok? hurhur.

ok off to the airport now!

loveeeeee

Adada.

Wonderful smell called Love

2009-03-09T23:26:00.001+08:00

Cooking with love for my love in progress. =)

macam mana la tu anak tak gemuk? haha.

love,

Adada.

Waiting, Wanting to breathe.

2009-03-08T23:16:00.001+08:00

On some days, i thought i know everything.
on other days, i dont.

love,

Adada.

Rest in Peace.

2009-03-07T16:17:00.003+08:00

You know that your family is screwed up when u had to find out that your cousin passed away through the papers.

it was almost surreal that ive been talking about him so often since last week to Suhaimi because i kept thinking abt him, i insisted mom to find a picture taken with him when i was a little girl.

i couldnt pin point why back then.

and what are the odds when i do not know much about him, only thru e glimpses and flashbacks of my childhood.

when i was young, he was there.
i was afraid to talk to him because i was not cool enough.

and over the years, we drifted,
drifted apart to mere strangers,
i was just one of the faces on the street.

but i never once forgot that face,
that name, Mohammad Feroz Abdul Abbas
and that passion he has for bikes.

just like my uncle, my estranged uncle.

but im glad to know that i still remember those lil pieces out of my childhood.
and he was a part of it.

the only sad thing was,
i was never a part of anything in his life.

by a freak of nature,
Suhaimi looks like him when he was younger,
they ride the same colour Suzuki DRZ bike,
and they have the same common friends.

it was sad to hear that his friends were there with him,
and when Suhaimi's friend asked "you are his cousin? how come i didnt see you there?"

i could only muster a sad smile.

as i wrapped my arms on my beloved, and i raised my gaze at him.
i kissed him gently on the forehead,

i told him "bu, don't you ever, ever leave me without me knowing."

love,

Adada.

Kismet Connection

2009-03-05T12:52:00.002+08:00

two nights ago,
i smashed my beloved pink psp at the wall because i was angry with you.

last night,
we were laughing at ourselves silly,
because you told me "bestfriends can never stay angry with each other too long"

and thank you,
for giving me your psp without me asking because you know it wld occupy me whenever you are not around.

i love you to death,
and i wish i can love you till heaven. =)

love,

Adada.

crushed.

2009-03-03T22:53:00.002+08:00

That was exactly how my heart felt when i smashed the psp right at the wall.

i was never the kind of person who would show my temper in that manner.

but you...

love,

Adada.

Accuracy Test.

2009-02-25T16:22:00.002+08:00

Very random.

the loud thunder woke me up but it is already past 3pm so yea, haha.

and a friend asked me to try this quiz,
you know how you take all these quizzes n u wonder if it is true.

but this one, this one is super freakily accurate from head to toe. hahahaha.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

but funny most ppl always tell me their first impression of me are a snob, air head and very anti social. -sedih seh.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

and thats e reason why i chose my old boy, Suhaimi and i still fall in love w him all over again every single day. (minus few minutes of bingit merepek coz hes irritating but apart from tt, hes amazing!)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

well,what can i say abt that. =)

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

that is so true, i spent a yr in btw after ending w Iman to fully understand what i want and who i want to be with. it is important to be serious bcoz it doesnt involve just you alone, the other party's feelin is at stake too.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

waiting anxiously for the letter, i enjoy study so much laaa! haha.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

which explains why i am thinking of a career change.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

with God's willing, i think everything is possible!

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

i used to be like that. =(

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

haha reading this make me laugh. lols.

Juzi baby, tell me what you think of this! and pls ah, meet up soon. wo xiang ni leehhh

love,

Adada.

Cover track.

2009-02-24T22:06:00.002+08:00

so my block leave starts now.
and im feeling rather pissed.

Suhaimi better says ok to e plans i had for us inside my head while i was on my way home on how we are going to spend our leave together.

if he says noooooo....

i am sure that im going to dump him. -evil grins

love,

Adada.

12 Vegetarian Restaurants.

2009-02-22T18:52:00.004+08:00

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
-Benjamin Button.

he was beautiful in the film, so so beautiful.

love,

Adada.

Love*Life*Live*Love

Goodbye!

Wednesday's Child

YYY

My 2010 starts with you.

New Year Eve

Lost & Replacement

March 2010

Turning sideways

Monopoly money

Can i return bk my gift?

Waves of Andaman Sea

Beautiful Krabi

Packo Macko Wacko

Worried shoemaker goes hiding in the cabin

Judging ceremony

Date to Wed

Marrying you

Tanda Tanda Cinta

Take a step back

(803) days of Bubu

Green with envy

F1 Rock.

Run, walk away and come back.

hit and missed

What is raya to you?

One liner

5 seater.

Signature for Two please?

Blow the bubble and turn it into a balloon.

Being 24th on the 23rd.

wilted heart.

Step one: Wake up 30 mins early every morning

fringe

Confusion in Motion

Year TWO

Hes gone too.

part like waves

Gone.

ward on level 7

30 days 30 months 30 years

Theatre Akter

Decisions Machine

Rainy sky

You made me sick

And it used to be just the 3 of us.

Legacy Dedikasi

Darling it ain't easy.

A Father's Day that i never get to celebrate, ever.

Rest in Peace.

live & breathe

my blackberries affair.

My stupid mouth

Kamu

HLF

Blasting Thru the City

Cleopatra in New York City

Twenty Dua.

Caravan Girl

Toaster Tested Bread

The Dandy Cowboys

Fourty Four Degrees

Bold as love

Slow dancing in a burning room.

Treasure Hunt

Spicy Chix Basil Pizza

She cries your name

The Forgotten People

Motion Sickness

Nobody Lost, Nobody Found.

Espresso frappuccino

21 Grams.

Prefuse 73

Good Vs Evil.

sometimes (i wish)

The Battle Begins.

Yes, even stars break

Tangerine Dream

Wall

Selfless love.

LoveLifeLive*Love